So, I have always been the person who is too afraid to move because I am afraid of failure. Many people are afraid of things and still find the courage to move, experiment, and grow. I am working on becoming a mover.
I started this weekend with a craft project. I was very insecure but I just had to do it. My priestess is a very creative woman. I assume she doesn't create the wonderful things she does by looking down her nose at a book. Well, maybe some ideas she has gotten that way but she puts her own "spin", works with what feels right. I admire her immensely.
During my crafting session I decided that I was going to follow the directions at first but then I was going to "flip it up", just a bit. I started throwing in the ingredients the recipe called for but also other items, just to try it out. I mean, what the hell?! If it turned out bad, all I had to do was scrap it and start over. No biggie!
They actually all turned out pretty well. I felt really good doing it. Standing in my kitchen, drinking a bit of liquid courage, I felt close to my coven sisters even though they weren't physically there. I felt their confidence in me and their encouragement. It was very empowering.
Remember...Now that I no longer have to be perfect, I can be good.
I will write more about what I made after Yule, because I don't want to ruin the surprise.
Until next random thought...
Toodles and be Blessed!
Monday, December 16, 2013
Friday, December 13, 2013
Fulfillment, Full Circle, and Fabulous Revelations!
Times have changed. Feelings have changed. Circumstances have changed. So
goes it for life though, I suspect. Roll with the punches, so on and so
forth.
I’m happy. I’m happy because I choose to be happy. I choose to look around and be thankful for all of the things that I have. I am even thankful for the things that I do not have. If they were meant to be in my life, they would be here. So that means I am supposed to have exactly what I do have. And be grateful for it.
I have missed my sister circle immensely. I have missed a lot of things actually. I spent too much time with “things” that were not important. I thought they were extremely important. Maybe that means they were at that time. But, they no longer are. The “things” of the past have gotten from me what was needed, and vice versa, and moved on.
Being grateful is a conscious effort. I have to be mindful at all times. At one time in my life I felt this was fake. That I should just embrace the “shit” feelings and ride them all the way through. It’s easier just to delve into the negative and hang out there being snarky and unforgiving. I wish I knew why it was easier.
I do not think easy is ever the answer. If we reach a point in our lives when we no longer feel challenged, we have quit. I am not a quitter. I may not say things the way others want, choose things others choose, practice religions others practice. But that, right there, is what being brave is all about. And growth comes from bravery amidst the struggle. If you are driven to do something, don’t second guess it. There are going to be choices, hard choices. And there might be times when you wonder why exactly you did what you did. DON’T! You did it for a reason. Embrace it. The reason might reveal itself later. Hell, it might not. But know, that whatever you said, did or chose was EXACTLY what you wanted. End of story.
I have found that finding forgiveness is the hardest thing. From others and yourself. Forgiveness and trust are connected but are not always granted at the same time. When someone tells you, or you tell yourself, that you’re forgiven, I think this is only a first, tiny, itty bitty, baby step. It’s granting you the ability to build trust again. Do not be discouraged.
I am a child of the microwave age and I think everything should be hot and ready right now with no extra effort. This thought process can be very detrimental when nothing ever works like a microwave and a microwave doesn’t really make the best of stuff anyway.
Think about it!
Pizza rolls in the microwave are all right. They are sort of warm, sort of good and sort of cold and squishy. But hey, they are done fast.
Now think of Pizza rolls in the oven. They take longer for sure but they are crispy, warm all the way through and delish! If you like Pizza rolls that is.
You get my point though, I think.
I am a work in progress. There was something that a friend of my posted that said, “I am done trying to be perfect so now I can be good.” Good is so much easier than perfect. It leaves room for error. Error is expected, except when you expect to be perfect. When we aim for perfection any imperfection feels like utter failure and you become inconsolable. This leads to feelings of anxiety, anger, hopelessness, insecurities and so many other negative feelings that are a COMPLETE waste of our human existence.
Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to Hate. Hate leads to the Darkside. ~ Jedi Master Yoda
And we all know what happened to cute little Anakin Skywalker! *breathes heavily through a respirator*
Now I’m getting all nerdy after all my randomness. But I have decided to “Embrace the Monica!” I will stop judging me. I will stop over thinking, but don’t forget to think completely. For me, that last part is extremely important. I am a creature of extremes. Love or hate.
I was drawn to paganism in my early 20′s. I felt like I was coming home. I felt something full of balance. It was something I so desperately needed in my life and something I still strive for.
I am a work in progress, as we all are. We need to learn to love others and ourselves. Embrace all that we are, all that we can become and all that surrounds us. Trust in yourself and never be too hard on yourself. Remember, now that I no longer have to be perfect, I can be good!
Well that’s it for this time. Tune in next random blog post to see what other random randomness might be happening in my brain.
Toodles! And be blessed!
I’m happy. I’m happy because I choose to be happy. I choose to look around and be thankful for all of the things that I have. I am even thankful for the things that I do not have. If they were meant to be in my life, they would be here. So that means I am supposed to have exactly what I do have. And be grateful for it.
I have missed my sister circle immensely. I have missed a lot of things actually. I spent too much time with “things” that were not important. I thought they were extremely important. Maybe that means they were at that time. But, they no longer are. The “things” of the past have gotten from me what was needed, and vice versa, and moved on.
Being grateful is a conscious effort. I have to be mindful at all times. At one time in my life I felt this was fake. That I should just embrace the “shit” feelings and ride them all the way through. It’s easier just to delve into the negative and hang out there being snarky and unforgiving. I wish I knew why it was easier.
I do not think easy is ever the answer. If we reach a point in our lives when we no longer feel challenged, we have quit. I am not a quitter. I may not say things the way others want, choose things others choose, practice religions others practice. But that, right there, is what being brave is all about. And growth comes from bravery amidst the struggle. If you are driven to do something, don’t second guess it. There are going to be choices, hard choices. And there might be times when you wonder why exactly you did what you did. DON’T! You did it for a reason. Embrace it. The reason might reveal itself later. Hell, it might not. But know, that whatever you said, did or chose was EXACTLY what you wanted. End of story.
I have found that finding forgiveness is the hardest thing. From others and yourself. Forgiveness and trust are connected but are not always granted at the same time. When someone tells you, or you tell yourself, that you’re forgiven, I think this is only a first, tiny, itty bitty, baby step. It’s granting you the ability to build trust again. Do not be discouraged.
I am a child of the microwave age and I think everything should be hot and ready right now with no extra effort. This thought process can be very detrimental when nothing ever works like a microwave and a microwave doesn’t really make the best of stuff anyway.
Think about it!
Pizza rolls in the microwave are all right. They are sort of warm, sort of good and sort of cold and squishy. But hey, they are done fast.
Now think of Pizza rolls in the oven. They take longer for sure but they are crispy, warm all the way through and delish! If you like Pizza rolls that is.
You get my point though, I think.
I am a work in progress. There was something that a friend of my posted that said, “I am done trying to be perfect so now I can be good.” Good is so much easier than perfect. It leaves room for error. Error is expected, except when you expect to be perfect. When we aim for perfection any imperfection feels like utter failure and you become inconsolable. This leads to feelings of anxiety, anger, hopelessness, insecurities and so many other negative feelings that are a COMPLETE waste of our human existence.
Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to Hate. Hate leads to the Darkside. ~ Jedi Master Yoda
And we all know what happened to cute little Anakin Skywalker! *breathes heavily through a respirator*
Now I’m getting all nerdy after all my randomness. But I have decided to “Embrace the Monica!” I will stop judging me. I will stop over thinking, but don’t forget to think completely. For me, that last part is extremely important. I am a creature of extremes. Love or hate.
I was drawn to paganism in my early 20′s. I felt like I was coming home. I felt something full of balance. It was something I so desperately needed in my life and something I still strive for.
I am a work in progress, as we all are. We need to learn to love others and ourselves. Embrace all that we are, all that we can become and all that surrounds us. Trust in yourself and never be too hard on yourself. Remember, now that I no longer have to be perfect, I can be good!
Well that’s it for this time. Tune in next random blog post to see what other random randomness might be happening in my brain.
Toodles! And be blessed!
Saturday, April 21, 2012
It is what it is...
I am supposed to be seeking the serene.
I really hate when someone says to me "It is what it is." Too me that means there is no hope for change. I think that you can change anything if you really want to. Wherever you are must be exactly where you want to be because if it wasn't you would do something different.
Fear keeps me from moving forward. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what I think I do know will happen.
So is "It is what it is", a total form of indifference in my opinion, just a way to reach the serene? Is it just throwing your hands up and giving up? You feel powerless.
But...is my delusion that I feel that I can always change something the real problem? Maybe I should just give up and go with the flow. I don't really do anything to change to what I really want anyway. I just think, dream and hope about it. Change needs action.
My mind needs peace and in that comes the calm. The acceptance of things being what they are is what will get you further to the serene. Stop fighting the inevitable even if you do not like the answers.
I'm not giving up, I'm just giving in. It is what it is.
I really hate when someone says to me "It is what it is." Too me that means there is no hope for change. I think that you can change anything if you really want to. Wherever you are must be exactly where you want to be because if it wasn't you would do something different.
Fear keeps me from moving forward. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what I think I do know will happen.
So is "It is what it is", a total form of indifference in my opinion, just a way to reach the serene? Is it just throwing your hands up and giving up? You feel powerless.
But...is my delusion that I feel that I can always change something the real problem? Maybe I should just give up and go with the flow. I don't really do anything to change to what I really want anyway. I just think, dream and hope about it. Change needs action.
My mind needs peace and in that comes the calm. The acceptance of things being what they are is what will get you further to the serene. Stop fighting the inevitable even if you do not like the answers.
I'm not giving up, I'm just giving in. It is what it is.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Meditation
I have never been a big fan of Meditation. I have many theorys as to why I have not been. Too boring, too long, too quiet, not able to focus, rather be doing something, no time and the list goes on. In the past I have been requested to meditate to complete a requirement for something, Begrudgingly I do it. That all changed very recently.
Per a suggestion from a friend, I cleared off my altar and set before it and just did some breathing. I breathe in calm and breathe out peace. I do this until I feel releaxed. Then I create a "loop" of love. I breathe in the love of the Gods and breathe my love back to them. I do this for about 10 mins a day. It seems very simple but it makes me feel very calm and at peace and full of love, which appears to be the point.
I have found I need this time to focus and release and relax. My job consists of people that are angry and tell me about it all day long. I try not to take it personal. I know that these people are really not mad at me, even though they are saying very personal things. I must separate. Disconnect from the negative.
Per a suggestion from a friend, I cleared off my altar and set before it and just did some breathing. I breathe in calm and breathe out peace. I do this until I feel releaxed. Then I create a "loop" of love. I breathe in the love of the Gods and breathe my love back to them. I do this for about 10 mins a day. It seems very simple but it makes me feel very calm and at peace and full of love, which appears to be the point.
I have found I need this time to focus and release and relax. My job consists of people that are angry and tell me about it all day long. I try not to take it personal. I know that these people are really not mad at me, even though they are saying very personal things. I must separate. Disconnect from the negative.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Fears
Fears have no place in the serene. Tonight while visiting some friends I was confronted with one of my greatest fears and experienced a great sense of loss. In their home was a three week old baby. She was so beautiful and so precious. She started to cry and I asked if I could pick her up. When I picked her up and laid her on my chest she immediately stopped fussing. At that very moment I felt the intense fear and sense of great loss. I knew that was the most precious thing in the world. I knew there was so much joy in that moment, and that will be a moment that will never be mine. I always ask my friends if and when they have babies if I can be there with them. I want so much to experience that, but never will. I am trying to live vicariously through others. I almost feel as though I am stealing.
I have made my choice. I will never have that exact experience. I do not want to feel envy and loss when I am around babies. I want to feel joy and happiness for they are perfect wonderful gifts. Sometimes I say negative things about having children. I say these things, I now believe, as a defense. I am deflecting my real feelings about it. In order for me to step through this I must face it.
I am going to be honest about my feelings about making a choice to never give birth and never raise children I have given birth to. I do feel a sense of loss. It does hurt me to hold someone else's child and know we do not share the same DNA. It does make me envy the mother that has that natural bond with that child. But I believe in admitting that, I can further explore why I feel that way.
Why is DNA important? Is it just the experience that I am hurt about loosing? Has it just been ingrained in me that I need to give birth to a child to be an actual mother? Has that been ingrained in society? Do I envy the fact that a mother or father can look at a child and say they belong to them? What defines the belonging?
When a child is born, they are aware of their mother and father and grow up knowing that is a fact. I have three beautiful, wonderful children, two that live with my husband and I full time. They are his children and I am their step-mother. I have been with them for the last seven years. I love them with all of my heart and my soul. There is not a thing I would not do for them. I am honored that I have been able to help raise them. They love me because I earned their love. I am very proud of that fact. They did not have to accept me, but they chose to. I am truly blessed.
In order to step through this fear, I need to see the positive that surrounds me every day. I have recognized the hurt and loss. I need to embrace why I feel that way in order to recognize it and step through it. I have experienced many things in my life, and I am grateful for each and every one.
I guess what I am trying to say is we all cannot experience everything. We are individuals with individual experiences. I am here. I am doing what I am doing. This is where I am supposed to be. There is no other place on the earth I would rather be.
I am going to be honest about my feelings about making a choice to never give birth and never raise children I have given birth to. I do feel a sense of loss. It does hurt me to hold someone else's child and know we do not share the same DNA. It does make me envy the mother that has that natural bond with that child. But I believe in admitting that, I can further explore why I feel that way.
Why is DNA important? Is it just the experience that I am hurt about loosing? Has it just been ingrained in me that I need to give birth to a child to be an actual mother? Has that been ingrained in society? Do I envy the fact that a mother or father can look at a child and say they belong to them? What defines the belonging?
When a child is born, they are aware of their mother and father and grow up knowing that is a fact. I have three beautiful, wonderful children, two that live with my husband and I full time. They are his children and I am their step-mother. I have been with them for the last seven years. I love them with all of my heart and my soul. There is not a thing I would not do for them. I am honored that I have been able to help raise them. They love me because I earned their love. I am very proud of that fact. They did not have to accept me, but they chose to. I am truly blessed.
In order to step through this fear, I need to see the positive that surrounds me every day. I have recognized the hurt and loss. I need to embrace why I feel that way in order to recognize it and step through it. I have experienced many things in my life, and I am grateful for each and every one.
I guess what I am trying to say is we all cannot experience everything. We are individuals with individual experiences. I am here. I am doing what I am doing. This is where I am supposed to be. There is no other place on the earth I would rather be.
Friday, February 17, 2012
What exactly am I in search of...
se·rene
[suh-reen] Show IPA
adjective
1.
calm, peaceful, or tranquil; unruffled: a serene landscape;serene old age.
2.
clear; fair: serene weather.
I am a wife, lover, mother, daughter, sister, friend, pagan, coven sister and all things in between. We all play many roles in our lives. If you notice everything that I listed, is actually what I am to other people. What am I to me? I guess that would be simple. I am just me. I do not have any requirements for what I am to myself, I do not fill a specific roll to me. That is serene. I am the only person that doesn't require/want/need anything from me. That thought freed me more than you can know. Turning inward is important for our "feeding".
I am going to be Seeking the Serene from within and will be sharing my techniques and view points on information I obtain.
The Goddess resides within me. I must get to know her better and I will gain further knowledge of the person she is occupies.
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