My furrbaby is gone, questioning my path and I did this because you told me to....

So it's been a long week.  Yoda, my furrbaby, no longer exists.  He had either a spinal injury that was caused by nothing or spinal meningitis that no one knows how he could have gotten.  Needless to say, the poor boy couldn't walk anymore.  It was so painful to lose him and even worse to watch him hurt.  But, in the end, I had to not be selfish because of my own need for him and let him go so he could be at peace.  Peace or... non-existent.

They said it would be like being put under for a surgery.  Have you ever been put to sleep for a surgery?  If you have, you know that there is absolutely nothing, and I do me NOTHING, there.  Pitch black and no memory.  Man, that scares me shitless.  Friday, I was crying that my dog just no longer existed.  I no longer believe in the fairy tales that I told my son about Yoda being some place playing ball and just waiting for us to join him.  I no longer believe the idiocy of such a stupid lie.

They say that ignorance is bliss and I really, really want to believe that stupid lie and fairy tale.  My emotional state needs that comfort.  But why?  Because I was raised to believe that and now as I have gotten older and learned more, I realize that what I was taught to believe was not true?  So if I know the "facts" (done in quotation because what the hell are real facts when it comes to this shit) why can my heart not move on?

Ah, the heart!  It's a fickle little fucker.  Never really knows what it wants, does it?  Not for sure anyway.  Mine isn't cut in stone at least.  It wanders around and dreams, rants and raves.  Sometimes it settles for a minute and then it can be all "up in arms" again.

I want something more than me.  I want to look up into the great space that surrounds us.  I want to be awed and feel small, but I want to know that I'm a part of it and have some sort of control.

Control is an illusion.  And maybe, just maybe, because of the losses that we experience we would like a little bit of the illusion.

Bye-bye, my baby.  You will be sorely missed