My furrbaby is gone, questioning my path and I did this because you told me to....

So it's been a long week.  Yoda, my furrbaby, no longer exists.  He had either a spinal injury that was caused by nothing or spinal meningitis that no one knows how he could have gotten.  Needless to say, the poor boy couldn't walk anymore.  It was so painful to lose him and even worse to watch him hurt.  But, in the end, I had to not be selfish because of my own need for him and let him go so he could be at peace.  Peace or... non-existent.

They said it would be like being put under for a surgery.  Have you ever been put to sleep for a surgery?  If you have, you know that there is absolutely nothing, and I do me NOTHING, there.  Pitch black and no memory.  Man, that scares me shitless.  Friday, I was crying that my dog just no longer existed.  I no longer believe in the fairy tales that I told my son about Yoda being some place playing ball and just waiting for us to join him.  I no longer believe the idiocy of such a stupid lie.

They say that ignorance is bliss and I really, really want to believe that stupid lie and fairy tale.  My emotional state needs that comfort.  But why?  Because I was raised to believe that and now as I have gotten older and learned more, I realize that what I was taught to believe was not true?  So if I know the "facts" (done in quotation because what the hell are real facts when it comes to this shit) why can my heart not move on?

Ah, the heart!  It's a fickle little fucker.  Never really knows what it wants, does it?  Not for sure anyway.  Mine isn't cut in stone at least.  It wanders around and dreams, rants and raves.  Sometimes it settles for a minute and then it can be all "up in arms" again.

I want something more than me.  I want to look up into the great space that surrounds us.  I want to be awed and feel small, but I want to know that I'm a part of it and have some sort of control.

Control is an illusion.  And maybe, just maybe, because of the losses that we experience we would like a little bit of the illusion.

Bye-bye, my baby.  You will be sorely missed

Original Thought...

I have been watching Cosmos.  Every single time it blows my mind.  I sit in front of the television, entranced by the amazing, charming and intelligent Host.

"Talk nerdy to me, Neil!"

While watching, I have been pondering my own existence and that of everything around me.  I love thinking about the fact that I am surrounded by earth at all times.  My office desk, the walls, the floor, the chair I am sitting in.   All are made of the earth.   All encompassing.

So I have been thinking about this and reincarnation.  So we are all a bunch of star dust.  Elements and DNA and stuff.  I say stuff because the technical terms for all the "stuff" we are made of escapes me and honestly, I just don't know.

Anwho...

We all die and become worm food.  Plan and simple, right?!  I'm not so sure.  What if reincarnation is basically our bodies decaying and being consumed by other things?  We disintegrate and transform and give nutrient to the dirt which in turn becomes part of the grass, the grass that the antelope eat, the antelope that the pregnant mother eats that nourishes the unborn child that is growing within her.  Those elements and molecules carry our (the form we are in now) "stuff" and combine with the new life.  Are we so very different for the leaves that fall from the tree?  I guess this would be something similar to the caste system, but organism up.  I don't know a lot about it.  Maybe that could be further reading.

"There's always a bigger fish" - Qui Gon Jinn

So the next question is consciousness.  What level do we have of consciousness?  The thought of no longer existing at all frightens me a bit, I must admit.  Must go back to the core of our existence that we have to survive.  Survival instincts are what have kept us going.  But do we become a different mind with our transformation?  Do we still have an amoeba personality?  What kind of personality does and amoeba have?  Do the elements, DNA and "stuff" that reside within us have memories and personality of their own?

Further more, past life regression?...  Is it just our "stuff" made up of previous people who give us residual memories?  That feeling that we remember something we possibly couldn't?  Deja Vu?  Maybe something we ate or ingested, embodied something from someone and somewhere that had that memory.  Ancestor worship can fall under this thought process too.  Every living being and person before us are a part of us.  So all of their "stuff" make up what we are today.

So many weird thoughts Cosmos has caused me to have.  Mind melting.  I labeled this post Original thought because I feel that we have been on this planet for too long for anyone to not have thought of something previously.  We have been "thinking" for so long throughout our tiny scale of a history on this planet that I am sure I have not come up with something original.

But is that just a product of the "stuff" that is already within me... Inquiring Minds want to know...

It is highly possible that this has been a well-known thought process and I am just now catching up.  Better late than never, I guess.

Woot!  Go me!

More Like Her, Silver Springs, Seven Wonders

Everything happens for a reason, right?!  I mean that's the bullshit that we tell ourselves because that's what we have been conditioned to think by the people around us.  GOD!  I'm trying to make my own destiny.  I was told yesterday that since I care so much about what others think that I must have no idea what I think.

Oh my.

I am fake.

Do it!

Kill me with a plastic knife, slowly please. Right now.  It's all over.  *drapes arm over forehead in a dramatic fashion*

I don't even get it anymore.  I curse those who fashioned me out of their genes and thought patterns!  CURSE YOU PARENTS! *shakes fists*  I curse them for making me indecisive.  Every time a holiday came upon us and I had to stand, tiny girl with light brown curls and brown puppy dog eyes, in between them and decide whom I wanted to spend time with.  Which you know that was whom I loved more, right?! Yeah, right!  NOT!  (am I even allowed to say NOT anymore, or is the reader saying, "That's so 90's!")

 

Give me my flannel and my Doc Martens I need to brood!

 

Lots of kids go through this and I damn well know the entire world is not living their lives for everyone else and base their entire universe on doing what makes others feel good.  Is it the stuff from my early adult hood?  Things happened.  I made bad choices.  We all do.  But I don't pay child support on mine and I don't have to raise them.  But I do live with those choices every day.  I felt as though I deserved it.  The Fates did that to me to make me slow down.  To make me realize that I was moving to fast.  To keep things from me to punish me.  I only thought of the moment, never the....

I'm tired...I don't wanna do it anymore.  All I know is I know nothing.  That's it.

 

Anywho, so I've written about AHS Coven and there were two songs in the last episode that I just thought were fabulous and I want to share.

First was Silver Springs...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVsy717Ej7U

And the second was Seven Wonders...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_nqHuFQCRQ

I really like the lyrics to both of these songs.  Ya know, because I am always looking for the words.  I hope they actually link the video instead of just have the link in there.  If they don't, I hope you don't mind leaving the page to go enjoy some beautiful vocals by the amazing Stevie Nicks.  I know I wouldn't.
I found this picture and it cracked me up.  It's a bit of a spoiler but not so bad and I don't think it alone ruins it.  And I have horrible allergies so I take this stuff frequently in Spring and Fall.  And it kills witches.  Go Figure!  HA!

AHS: Coven

On Wednesday, we wear black.

First of all, I want to point out how very much I loved this show.  I thought it was utterly amazing and had extremely talented people who I really enjoyed watching, especially the three matriarchs.  There were moments that I laughed out loud, giggled, was horribly shocked and cringed! Recipe for a good time.

I did have some mixed feelings while watching this show.  I identify myself as a witch.  It is a belief system to me.  It is so very hard to ask people who have no idea about any difference between fact and fiction, to understand I am not what is presented in mainstream media.  So in the past, it has upset me when they used the word witch and then have a character who does outrageous things.

I am not a joke.  I am not some circus side-show.  I am not delusional and just "playing" at being a witch.  I believe in God and Goddess and The Fates.  I take my ideas about things seriously, but not too seriously.  And that is where I have found that I can enjoy this show.

I decided that if Christians can have Highway to Heaven and Touched by an Angel, then there is a place for these stories too.  Because we all know those TV shows did not even border on the edge of reality.  They only used a concept and the fiction just spiraled out from there. Okay, same thing with witches.  Got it.  Hope everyone else can grasp the same idea.

So back to the things that I loved about the show!

I will start with the matriarchs.  I think Kathy Bates is such an AWESOME actress.  I have loved watching her since the first time I saw her in Misery.  By the way, this was from the hobbling scene which, to this very day after seeing this movie hundreds of times, I have never watched.  I always cover my eyes.

Ms. Bates has an amazing way of making a most hideous character almost likeable.  I say almost because she has the ability to bring you right to that edge where you could fall over and feel sympathy and then with just a small twist, have you standing straight again.  It feels like listening to an unknown symphony watching her do her craft.  She has such talent, you have no idea that she's even doing it. As Madame Delphine LaLaurie, she did not disappoint.  Horrible woman.  Horrible woman in history.  But Kathy Bates has a way of seeming sympathetic so you want to watch, and yet not really like the woman. I think that's amazing.  Go Kathy Bates!

Jessica Lange is gorgeous.  And she made Fiona absolutely evil and awe-inspiring.  I was always a little bit envious of her inability to care for others because she just did what she pleased.  It was part of her undoing over all but the ride was fun while it lasted, at least it looked like it was.  Fiona was a tortured soul, but she didn't sit down long enough to acknowledge it.  That would have been weak to Fiona and there is nothing weak on the outside about this character.  She is tough as nails and just as dangerous and deadly if dealt with the wrong way.   At least that is how I viewed her.

Angela Bassett.  Oh my G O S H!  Can I just say that I loved this woman from this very moment.

This was Waiting to Exhale.  Loved this character and her evolution.  She started out absolutely knowing things, things she just knew with all of her being, only to change and evolve and learn that things are not always exactly as they seem.  But that's another movie...

Lovely, talented Ms. Bassett plays beautiful Madame Marie Laveau.  This is another part that I have a hard time separating.  Historical Madame Laveau was a beautiful and kind woman, so it is said.  She is very important to many people as a figure for their beliefs to this very day.  I only wish they would have used another name but, they didn't so whatcha gonna do?!

I wish she would have had more screen time.  She was beautiful, strong and had every reason to be pissed off and vengeful.  Oh, and she was.  Maddeningly so.  Another tortured, strong woman with no time to think of her trials and tribulations, just the answers to the problems and her progress forward.  Forward for her was survival.  Such wonderful twists with her story.

Cordelia is the daughter of Fiona, the Supreme.  She has always been in the shadow of her mother.  Never quite good enough for her mother or herself.  This put a lot of doubt in her and she never reached her potential.  The character of Cordelia is so beautiful, kind and doubting. The one most overlooked.  Watch out for those you think are weak.  And sometimes the weak ones can even surprise themselves
.

When I grow up I want to be Myrtle Snow.  She was so magically, amazingly, beautifully ridiculous.  With a hint of insanity and high fashion backed up by an extreme amount of genius and insight.  Myrtle is a matriarch in her own right.  Never reaching her potential, just like Cordelia, because of also being in the shadow of Fiona.  Jealousy and being held down can be the catalysts to all of our failures.  When it comes down to it, I guess we are all always our own worse enemies.

This show is filled with such amazingly diverse women.  I was struck by the plain humanity of each one of them.  Fighting their own individual and unique battles.  They are neither good nor evil.  They are women doing what women do.  Humans, doing what humans do.  They are climbing the ladder, raising children, living as an example, living with anger, regret and loss all in a mystical wrapper.  They find strength, honor and courage in their lineage and traditions.  They are inspirational.

And if all this boring information about women I have grown to admire hasn't pushed you over the edge to give this show a chance, maybe this will.

Yes, that is the beautiful, magnificent and timeless Stevie Nicks.  This lovely lady is in two episodes and her music is throughout.  Yeah, I really liked this show.

I think it’s time for Old Man Winter to get Mother Nature drunk, and have a little fun making Spring…

Ya know, I am dreaming of the Caribbean right now.  I'm the idiot for saying so but that's on my mind.  And not just because of the weather.

 

Everything is beautiful, right?!  I mean really.

Yesterday morning I was standing in front of my car and looked up to see three crows flying over head.  There was a gloom in the air, a light dreamy snow, the homes that were nearby had chimney's billowing out smoke and it just felt majestic.  I felt honored to be in that moment and see that beautiful sight.  I think sometimes I am the only one who notices these things.  Watching a snow blower eject snow in an arc that has the sun behind it, just makes me smile.  I am sure the person pushing the snow blower doesn't see the beauty that I do, but maybe they should.  Might make snow blowing a bit more enjoyable, or possibly not.

I feel like my camera never catches what my eyes do.  This was a beautiful picture of the serene snow, crescent moon and the sun just starting to come up over the tree line.  It was breath taking.  Or maybe, it wasn't.  That's why the picture doesn't look so great.  Maybe the picture actually captures what's there and I am making more of it than what it was.  I am actually glad most people do not see the world the way that I do.  Then we would all be pretty messed up.  YIKES!

 

So driving to work in the winter has always been uncomfortable for me.  Ever since my brother died, it put a new perspective on life.  Ya know, because if he could die at the age of 25 I sure as hell could too at the age of 20.  Some years have passed since then.  I have passed his age by almost 12 years now.  And the fear has never left me.  The fact of my mortality.  At least I'm not a shut in anymore.  Went through that for a bit but,  I can go out now.

My Impala has been really good to me.  She's a tank.  Sturdy and comfortable.  She has made me feel so safe and gotten me through anxiety filled moments while on the snow and ice covered roads.

During this storm, they have been talking about the blizzard of 1978 a lot.  When I was growing up, that storm was legend.  I think it was really hard on my parents because I had been born so sick.  I was only 5 months old when the storm came.  I had just had open heart surgery 2 months prior.  My dad would always talk about having to ride the snow mobile to the store to get me formula or how they were going to get out if they needed to take me to the hospital when the snow covered the front door.  I have been a mess since I took my first breath.  I cannot imagine these roads in a rear wheel drive car.  Must have been an adventure.  Possibly no power steering either.  And think, no ABS!  Dear God, ya had to pump the breaks.  That, by the way, is a hard habit to break.  I still try to pump my breaks.  Oh lord.  Whatcha gonna do?!

A very large mound of snow just off from the sidewalk.  It's been really cool.  I feel like I am walking through tunnels.  Watching my little dog trying to jump through the snow is really hilarious.

Outside of work where I go to smoke.  That's the winter gear from far away.  I think I gained the pounds that were lost. But, I'm going to say that it's just the heavy winter gear making me look all fluffy.  Fluffy's not soo bad, right?!

We all deal with things in our own ways.  I am crafting more.  Laundry soap, bath salts that I made for presents for my sister group for Yule.  No, no one got naked and turned into cannibal zombie freakazoids.  Darn it all!  I know EXACTLY where to go when the zombie apocalypse happens.  At least I used to know where to go... :-/

I have also felted some wool balls for homemade fabric softener for the dryer.  Doesn't have all that nasty plastic coating on it to mess up the inside of your dryer and actually drys the clothes quicker.  WIN WIN, I say!

So now I am just waiting to collect too many cats and you might see me on an episode of hoarders talking about  how much I love my babies.  At least that's the sort of future for people who make laundry soap and felted wool balls is, isn't it?!

Wonderful winter wonderland with trees.

This winter has been magnificent. Beautiful and awesome. This has been the most "real" winter we have had in years.

It started with a nice storm. 

At least the sun is shining and smiling through the storm. The one on my fence anyway. 

Beautiful rays from the actual sun was a stunning site. Shining next to the frozen branches of a tree. 

Then, there were the holidays. I had Yule with my circle. We celebrated at my house and for the first time ever, I lead ritual. I was nervous but I was determined and I succeeded.

Part of ritual was writing things down that were negative or we no longer wanted from the darkness. We are thankful for the darkness. It is a part of us. Embrace it and learn from it. These are the things we set aflame. We released them back because we had gained what we needed.   

New life came after the holiday. A bouncing baby boy. He's so very precious and soft. 

It was so comforting to sit in the hospital and hold him and just stare at him. He's my nephew and I am so blessed to have a sister in law that allows me to go goo goo over her children. 

Then the big blizzard came. Beautiful and intense. Frozen pipes, dead cars and slippery roads. Keeping me young with all of the excitement of driving. 

Scenes from the aftermath. 

The branches were so heavy they were touching the ground. Well, the two feet of snow on the ground. 

We keep it interesting here in Michigan, as you can see. This morning we woke up to freezing drizzle and we are going to reach a balmy 38 degrees today after just a few days ago having a windchill of -48 degrees. Variety is the spice of life. 

That's not snow falling. It's fog. Made seeing on the drive to work a bit challenging but that keeps me on my toes. 

So that's my winter update for the moment. There's a spot for two, if you can stand the snow. I hope you enjoy the trees. 

Take care and be blessed.